look to the sky
by she's just dreaming
Summary: /and what will you find?/ Silent tears streak down her cheeks. She wants to sob. To curl up into a ball. To do anything but her emotions already heightened enough. So she chooses to be unemotional, to be unattached, to be empty and so, so numb. elena/elijah, caroline/klaus, jeremy. other characters. /kind of a short story./ hiatus. kind of.
1. oh how it rains

**look to the sky. (1/?)  
elena/elijah, caroline/klaus, jeremy.  
disclaimer; i do not the vampire diaries.**  
**short chapters will continue purposely and i'm also testing out this writing style. (not really a writing style, but more like something like this...? i don't know.)  
****i'll continue if people review.** **please?**  


* * *

_"when daylight's fading_  
_ we're gonna play in the dark_  
_ till it's golden again"  
-chasing the sun. - the wanted._

* * *

She watches the rain. Watches as it pours from the dark grey sky above, hard and steady, coming down down down down. Lightning sizzles upward, crackling and lighting up, striking the clouds. Thunder rolls in, booming loudly, growing louder and louder. It doesn't faze her one bit. It reminds her of despair. She presses her palm against the window, feeling the cool surface. Tiny little clear droplets seems to zoom downward, in a hurry to escape away from the monster that created them, and escape away from her.

_Just like her,_ she thinks.

Her eyes were unclear, unfocused, brown and glossy with tears.

She keeps on staring straight ahead, nothingness stirring up inside her. Her palm slowly trails down the window, the coolness fading with it. She lets her hand fall against her sweats, and she proceeds to turn around for a split second before focusing back onto the rain. She straightens up before slouching again, her back pressing against the wall. She sinks lower into the lush seat, pulling the afghan over towards her to shield herself away.

Silent tears streak down her cheeks. She wants to sob. To curl up into a ball. To do anything but her emotions already heightened enough. So she chooses to be unemotional, to be unattached, to be empty and so, so numb.

Elena is glad. Glad that everyone is leaving her alone, and giving her space. _(no, don't leave, please, please come back.) she wants to scream that. she really doesn't want to be alone. she doesn't. she doesn't. she doesn't._

Because she deserves this. She deserves to be alone. Because Stefan and Damon and Caroline and Bonnie and Jeremy and Matt and everyone deserve better than her. Than this. They shouldn't have to watch her, to observe her, to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. _(she has done plenty anyway. murder is already on the list.) it was an accident, it's okay, okay, okay, you're going to be fine. lies, she wants to scream._

It's never going to be okay. Too many people gone. She and Jeremy and everyone else have already lost so, so much. It's all because of her.

All because of her.

Thunder booms again. She's barely startled, not fearing the weather, not fearing the storm. Lightning strikes again and again and again, over and over until she finds herself turning away from it. She settles against the seat, willing for the bleak darkness to take her away from here.

Away from reality.

Her wish is granted.

* * *

"Is she sleeping?"

"Yes."

An exhale of relief floats around the room.

"What should we do?"

"Nothing."

"What do you mean nothing?"

"I mean nothing. We do absolutely nothing but wait."

"Why?"

"He'll come. He always does."

"You better hope so, Rebekah."

* * *

**i'm not sure if i like this. it's messy and a tangled weave.  
the dialogue is suppose to be like that.  
review please.**


	2. water

**DF: you're correct.**  
**i honestly do not how long this story will be and considering how short the chapters will be. it's also pretty much elena-centric with elijah coming later. other pairings and characters might be shown.  
i frankly suck at updating stories but assume every couple of days, or once a week or something like that.  
the first couples of chapter focus on dreams and her angst, really.  
**

**disclaimer; i do not own the vampire diaries.**

* * *

_"the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out_  
_ you left me in the dark_  
_ no dawn, no day, i'm always in this twilight_  
_in the shadow of your heart"  
-florence and the machine, 'cosmic love.'  
_

She dreams of water this time.

Not a streaming river or pond or lake or even a cascading waterfall. Not an enormous sea-green ocean that goes on forever. Forever endless _(just like her.)_She's not sure what it is. It looks murky, a mixture of black and brown. Like it's ready to swallow her whole and trap her into complete yet isolated darkness.

_(death is always lingering, always around, alwaysalwaysalways.)_

It scares her how much she is changing, has changed, how much of herself is gone. How much of her humanity is really left inside of her? How much of a monster will she become?

_It's so morbid, _she thinks.

Especially her thoughts.

Dark water that resembles storms and hopelessness and despair and pain and it's all ready to crash down over her again. The familiarity of it bubbles inside, filling her up with a new sense of fear. _(it's not her fault. it's not his fault. it's not their fault. it's that awful night that won't go away and being this, being a vampire. it's so, so much.)  
_

Maybe if she keeps telling herself _(lies)_ and maybe if she believes everyone and maybe, just maybe she can pretend to be okay. So that everyone will get off her back. And she means _everyone._

_(but she's not okay. she wants to scream. help me.)_

Elena finally decides that she hates water and hates cars and hates darkness and anything else in between. It has already happened once and then twice and what would happen if it occurs three times?

_(shealreadywantstodie.)_

That would kill her. _(isn't she already dying inside?)_

* * *

**angst. angst. angst.  
you'll definitely will be seeing it, especially for a couple of more chapters.  
i know it's choppy and fragment-y and sentences are basically just crammed together.**

**trying to write elena is actually hard. i'm just thinking that she would be desperate, kind of fragile and some tears. she never wanted to be a vampire and now she is and again she was in a damn car crash. also adding that she has lost so many people and so much damn things have occurred...well..yeah.**

**review please.**  
**thanks for reading.**


	3. questions

**i'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. i've been on vacation which left me limited internet access for writing.  
here's another chapter of angst then the story will be moving on away from what i've written so far. i do definitely apologize for the confusion, i'm trying to guide it into a certain direction. there's probably occness in this, sorry about that. D:  
**

******disclaimer; i do not own the vampire diaries.**

* * *

"_here I am a rabbit hearted girl,  
frozen in the headlights,  
it seems i've made the final sacrifice."  
-florence and the machine, 'Rabbit Heart'  
_

Things are always changing.

Always.

People grow through adolescence, heading straight for adulthood. It's the way you choose it whether it's being married and having a family, or going in your own direction, not letting anyone persuade you in any way. It's the way you grow older. The way seasons occur and shift through a cycle. The way the sun continues to shine and the way the moon continues to glow. The way life is.  
_  
_But she isn't part of that. Not anymore.

It's over for her.

Being immortalized at eighteen; never aging, forever a vampire. Some people adapt better to it. Stefan. Damon. Caroline. Hell, even the Originals including _him. _They are so sure of themselves, (well, mostly,) despite being like that for years. They know how things are. They know how things work. And she's stuck in this bubble of agonizing guilt and misery and despair.

She can't help it.

She wants to be better.

For everyone and for herself.

But whenever she thinks that, her thought spiral into another direction.

The biggest question is:

Why?

Just why?

She has eternity now, so shouldn't she be able to choose this?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, she remembers reading from somewhere.

Why can't she choose herself?

Why does she need to choose Stefan? Damon? Her best friends? Her friends? Her brother? _(a sharp pain in her chest winces at each name, surfacing up with guilt and shame and resentment.)_

Why do the Originals have to help now?

When did Klaus and Caroline happen?

Why do Rebekah and Kol care?

When did they stop becoming her own enemy?

(She has no enemies. She is own worst enemy.)

And since when did she realized how much she has missed in these past months?

* * *

**Elena is questioning herself. That's the point of this chapter.  
****will the questions be answered? yes, they will.  
will there be another perspective? yes.  
this story is short, and kind like practicing my writing.**

**thanks for reading,**  
**and review please.**


	4. figuring it out

**JaneA0202**: i'm sorry about the confusion. the chapters are purposely short. i'm kinda testing it out, trying out this kind of writing style, seeing if this will work. i'm trying to get to the _point _in this story, with short chapters and all.

also sorry about any switching of verb tenses. i try to watch it but it happens anyways.

**disclaimer; i do not the own the vampire diaries.  
**

* * *

_i think i'll miss you forever  
like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies  
late is better than never  
even if you're gone I'm gonna drive, drive.  
-lana del ray, 'summertime sadness.'_

She finally gets up, the first time in three reverberates around the kitchen as she walks in. A couple of blood bags were pressing up against each other, stacked in a row. Like they were prepared to fall down like dominoes. As she scans the counter, searching for nothing in particular, her gaze lands on folded, crisp white note.

_Elena. _It says, written in a beautiful cursive.

Snatching it up between her fingers, she unfolds it and skims through it. She's not that surprised since she in a way actually expects it. Different little letters were scrawled upon it, some neat and others not so neat. From Rebekah, Caroline, Bonnie and various others. Conversations from the last couple of weeks drifted in and out of her head.

Actually, scratch that out.

It's from Rebekah only.

Elena can honestly say that she did not expect that.

_I'm sorry that I technically killed you and that I almost killed Matt. -Rebekah.  
_  
She doesn't know how to respond to that or even know what to do so instead she crumbles it up into a tiny ball and tosses it away from her. It's not like she was going to get any other kind of apology.

Elena sighs, and leans against the counter.

So maybe she was kind of being like Stefan by brooding and self-loathing (like others have pointed out.) and she remembers all of it. So maybe she regrets her choice of becoming a vampire by having Meredith help her. So maybe she was tired of everyone hovering around, treating as if she were a delicate, dainty doll. So maybe she was tired of it all, tired of herself, everyone else, and the world. So what-if. She should just shut out her thoughts, throw on a smile, and parade around in fake-honest glory.

But it's still true.

She's still to be blamed for most of this.

Because she screws up a lot. Screws up her decisions. People's lives such as Jeremy, the people that she loves, and even her own. Always screwing everything the hell up.

But what she do about it?

She's the one pushing people away.

And yet there was still a lot to be done.

She needs to talk to someone.

* * *

**don't kill me. it's shorter and etc.  
school has started and i've gotten lazier, but i have been trying to write out all of the chapters.  
there's no real excuse beside those being true.  
maybe i'll this edit, or rewrite story so it would be longer.._maybe._**_ i'll think about it._**_  
_i'm just practicing different writing styles and length and pairings at the moment.  
the next chapter should maybe be this weekend or next week.**

_**please review.**  
_


	5. thoughts and awaiting answers

**i suck. i know. i know i suck at these updates. school has gotten in the way a bit and it's just been a real crappy month.** **so i apologize for this. looking back to the other chapters makes me want to rewrite them again. i might. just enjoy this chapter and i hope Elijah doesn't sound..well...ooc.  
**

**disclaimer; i do not own the vampire diaries.**

* * *

_"If you expect nothing from anybody, you're never disappointed."_  
Sylvia Path, _The Bell Jar._

He didn't flee from Mystic Falls.

He's not running but he might possibly be hiding._  
_

Elijah had decided that he needed time away.

Time away from the whole Klaus-Tyler-in body, out of body experience fiasco. Time away from everything that occurred. He shouldn't have been surprised yet he had been. He wants to tell himself that t was months ago. That he should not be dwelling on the past (yet he does anyway.)

He snaps out of his thoughts before they consume him again.

He's now hidden in an overly spacious library. Books are stacked neatly, alphabetized, pressing against the lightly colored wood shelves. Paintings plastered against the wall. Brown and red and comfortable tones covered the room. From the couches to the carpets and rugs to the curtains and the decorative lamps. He feels at home in here. It's a safe haven.

Elijah knows this one thing:

He's missing something.

It's like a question that he can't figure out.

He just _knows.  
_

* * *

She needs answers.

Now._  
_

Not later.

Now._  
_

The letter feels hopeless._  
_

It doesn't provide the answers she needs and the questions she desperately wants to ask.

How does she go about this?

She's used to apologizing but how do you apologize for this?

What's the first step?

Is this a healing process?

Elena finally settles on one thing.

She can't answer herself. Someone else needs too.

She's kind of frightened and somewhere deep down inside her heart, she wishes someone would appear and fix _everything._ Everything is bits and pieces and she recalls conversations from the previous months and nothing makes _sense._

It's kind of ironic, she thinks.

A bitter laugh escapes her.

Time to go is her last thought as she heads for the door to leave and finally get what she desires at the moment.

Precious answers.

* * *

**kind of boring, but rewriting this several times is not fun especially at this time of night.**

**(: reviews are appreciated. (:**


	6. why

_this is pre-season four, it ignores the current storylines. i also realize that i seem to go back and forth from present and past tense. i am trying to work on changing that. hope you enjoy this story despite how short it is. (:  
_

* * *

_Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true._  
Leon J. Suenes

* * *

**.**

She had been numb for a long while, in a depressed state that seemed almost comatose, oblivious to her surroundings, where she found security in the deepest part of her mind. Once a while, she retreated out of it. She never said anything. She would listen to the flurry of conversation and would have lingering confusion. She knew things had changed. Instead she would look at her visitors blankly and she would hear the words, (maybe another day?) once they realized she wouldn't answer them. They would always come back, trying to coax her out of her shell, and she would sit there, in the same chair, in the same position, refusing to do anything but simply stay like she was. It was a safety blanket and she had refused to crawl out of it.

Snippets of conversations fluttered around in her mind, (she unresponsive, not handling this well, she's never going to snap out of this, time keeps on passing, she is refusing, what do we do, what do we do,) swirling around and around like leaves gently tumbling from trees.

She keeps questioning herself. (Elena knows certain things. She knows about a supposed forged alliance for peace. It's a foreign concept to her. She can still remember the past year, (last year?) of bloodshed and massacres and screams and terror and Klaus's fault, he's the monster, he's the one who did all of this, and has she let that go? Rebekah killing her. She can still remember the car flipping over the same bridge just like the first time, of trying to break down the glass, trying to escape and be free, before she drowns. Elena remembered wanting to help Matt, remember urging Stefan to save him instead of her. The first goodbyes of her parents. She remembers every single bit of the accidents, both trying to merge together into one. She remembers more than that, remembers waking up and realizing that she is dead, oh god she is dead, is matt okay? of every single worry. She remembers every last horror that she and her family and friends has encountered. She blames herself and won't she eventually succumb to the guilt again?)

It's daylight.

The sun is like a roaring campfire, yellow and orange and bright, its ray providing warmth and light for all. It hangs against the blue sky, no clouds in sight. Cars rush by, houses remain still, untouched and unstained by horror, tragedy, and chaos. The grass is greener, spouting, flowers blossoming. It's spring, summer? Elena doesn't even know that. Everything is a multitude of colors, vivid, trying to mock her with its happiness. She sees it all. She smells fresh air. She doesn't breathe it in. There's no point. She's a vampire and she doesn't need too. She can hear everything, dogs barking and yipping, a lawnmower in the far distance, a cat purring, noises and sounds here and there. Maybe one day she might enjoy this.

Elena doesn't realize that she is standing at the edge of her driveway, scanning the area with scrutinizing eyes. She feels like some kind of critic, paying attention to the slightest detail, searching for some kind of flaw. She doesn't mean to be so wary. It has become second nature to her. Everything, everyone, had false condolences, sympathy and pity, wanting to help, when she couldn't, doesn't even understand her situation herself.

Vampire.

She gets that.

The idea of forever scares her. She wanted to remain human. She never wanted this. Still doesn't. This is her life now and she has to deal with it. She technically made this decision, to transition, so she wouldn't leave Jeremy and everyone she loves behind. She could of died. Does she regret her choice? That is one question where she doesn't know the answer.

Caroline's house? Bonnie's house? The Salvatore's house? Matt's house? Where should she go?

Her courage is fading awfully fast.

Bravery was suppose to get her somewhere. Answers is what she needs. She wants to scream and rage, why. Why now? Why peace now? Why do they remain? Why do they even care? The Originals, it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. She feels hatred towards most of them all except for one. Elijah. She has a strange desire to see him. She doesn't know where he is. Trying to find him would be exhausting, she thinks.

A confrontation would occur soon.

She will have to face everyone.

Elena sighs, finally deciding where to go.

No visits yet despite the burden that rests on her shoulders. The answer/question burden.

She takes a glance around, carefully calculating how quickly she can flee to the park before anyone notices how fast she will go. No faces peeking behind glass windows. No one looking in her direction.

Nodding to herself, she takes one last look at her house. Desolate, she thinks. It would look quaint, almost charming to an outsider's perspective. It holds bitter, sad, happy memories.

She runs and doesn't look back.

**.**

* * *

_more angst(ish)_ _and more questioning of how everything is.  
it's still elena centric._  
_we'll see everyone else in the next chapter._  
_review please. (:_


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